


Dear Merlin, My life is a mess. Sincerely, Arthur

by Caledonia



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Beta Wanted, Complete, Diary/Journal, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Infidelity, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love, Vulnerable Arthur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-07-30
Packaged: 2019-06-15 19:10:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15419658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caledonia/pseuds/Caledonia
Summary: A one-sided view of complicated relationships as told through Arthur's journal entries.





	1. Dear Merlin, My life is a mess. Sincerely, Arthur

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Dear Merlin, My Life Is A Mess. Sincerely, Arthur](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9811643) by [Caledonia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caledonia/pseuds/Caledonia). 



> I've had a few requests to consolidate this into a single work, so here it is. This isn't new - it's just a re-posting of my Dear Merlin series. This is text only, the original series has diary page images.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't own these characters and am not making any monetary gains from this work.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You were studying hard so you probably didn't notice. Listening to your classical music. I don't think anything could have broken your concentration. Which is fine. I don't need you to see me, I just need you to be there. A lot of what happens between us is like that."

Dear M,  
   You won't remember me because we only had class together for about two months over a year ago, and I doubt there's any room inside that genius brain of yours for anything as unimportant as I. It was Organic Chemistry. I quit before half term, but that was expected - after all, more than half the class would drop out or fail. I remember when the professor said that you sat up straighter in your chair, eyes wide, accepting the challenge like it was something personal.  
   I suppose for you it was.  
   And, yes, I already watched you then. Our first day of Uni, our first class and my eyes were trained on you like a hound on the scent. It hasn't changed since then. I can pick you out of a crowd of thousands even if I don't know you're there.  
   Anyway, I'm in therapy now and part of what the doctor said was I should write things down. I've never been a Dear Diary kind of guy, so this will have to do. Dear Merlin, my life is a fucking mess. Sincerely, Arthur.  
I don't know how that's going to help anyone, but I promised I would try. So here we go.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   I bet you didn't know you could only change your major three times. This is my last shot, so I hope I've chosen wisely. My father could come up with something to grease the wheels, but that's more complicated than I want it to be.  
   On the plus side, she and I share a major now, so she'll be able to help me with the classes if I struggle.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   I'm not stupid, it's not a question of intelligence. I don't want you thinking I'm an idiot. That's very important to me.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   Have you ever done something because you were supposed to and not because you wanted to?  
   I don't expect so. When I think of the word integrity I think of you.  
   My whole life is supposed to. I don't have any idea who I really am, only who people expect me to be.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   I play rugby now. I fucking hate rugby. But, like father, like son, eh?  
   Fuck.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   My pal Leon and I saw you out walking about twenty dogs by the market cross. Leon reckons you volunteer for the animal shelter.  
   I guess you don't know this about me, but I love animals. Always have.  
   I never even had a chance.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   She told me today that you've managed to get the helpline operational, finally. She's going to volunteer, of course, because she's like that. Good, you know?  
   How do you have time in your life for all the things you care about? It amazes me.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   It was me on the phone tonight. I only called in to hear your voice. Does that make me a bad person?  
   Everything I said is true.  
   I'm not in love with her. I'm gay but engaged to a woman. It is an arranged marriage. Yes those still happen these days.  
   I'm not in love with her.  
   I'm in love with someone else and it's killing me.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   You're VEGAN? Fuck, man. Seriously?  
   I don't think there's anything in my life that I care about that much and that breaks my fucking heart.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   I saw you today sitting under the maple tree, studying with your headphones on. She tells me you listen to classical music while you're studying to help your brain form new pathways around the information. I love that.  
   You saw me watching you. You smiled at me, or at one of my friends, or at nothing at all, probably.  
   Every sunrise the earth has ever seen was in that smile and it wasn't even aimed at me.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   She's friends with your roommate, Lance, that's how I know these things about you. I don't want you to think I'm stalking you or something. I respect your privacy.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   You're taking courses over the summer, too? Just one more way to make the rest of us feel inadequate?  
   I don't mean that, really. It just means I have to see you here over the summer, now, too. I was kind of looking forward to you not being here. A bit of peace, you know?  
   She's going home for the summer, so she won't be here, either. A bit of peace.  
   I don't mean that, really. I do love her, I'm just not in love with her. There is a difference. She's just about the nicest, most selfless girl I've ever known. But she's still a girl. I reckon if I were wired that way she'd be quite fanciable. I'm not wired that way. Though I can still appreciate how beautiful she is. Inside and out.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   She doesn't know, by the way. She doesn't know I'm gay. Well, I haven't told her. If she's guessed, I don't know.  
   I hate lying to her. It's another part of my life that's entirely fucked up. She doesn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve me. Nobody deserves me. Not like this.  
   -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   I sat across the table from you in the library. I walked past about fifteen times first, deciding, but then I just sat down. It wasn't busy enough in the library for sharing tables to be a necessity. For you it was probably a non-event, but I measured out my life for twenty minutes to the sound of your steady breathing. It made me hyper-aware of everything in the universe and I smiled for the rest of the goddamned day.  
   You were studying hard so you probably didn't notice. Listening to your classical music. I don't think anything could have broken your concentration. Which is fine. I don't need you to see me, I just need you to be there. A lot of what happens between us is like that.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   You were walking past when we were playing football and Lance shouted you over. I was not eavesdropping, I was warming up nearby, and heard you say you've not played apart from in school and did anyone mind.  
   You played better than Lance and he's on the Uni squad for fuck's sake.  
   Is there anything you aren't immediately good at without even trying?  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   There's something about how thin you are that makes me burn like I'm on fucking fire. You're not thin enough that I want to make you a sandwich, but I can see every muscle moving under your skin.  
   It makes me want to put my mouth on you and feel it.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   I've been assigned to you as a tutor. I'm not tutoring you, obviously. You're going to tutor me. Apparently it's usually an upperclassman, but you're so advanced in maths they figured you'd do.  
   I can't decide if I'm terrified, embarrassed, or elated. Probably all three.  
   Please don't believe what they've said about me.  
      -A


	2. I Collect Facts About You Like Treasure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It's funny to me that I think of you as safe when you may be the only tangible thing in the world that I am afraid of."

Dear M,  
   Well, apparently your roommate and my fiancé have met up on their summer hols. She's French, I think I did say. Well, her parents are. Anyway, she's French and he's over doing a study term in France to advance his language skills.  
   I should be worried that my fiancé is spending her summer holidays with another man. My big sister says I should be worried, but all I can think about is what information she might learn about you and pass on.  
   I collect facts about you like treasure.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   Our first tutoring session is tomorrow. I can't sleep. I've already chosen my outfit. How ridiculous is that?  
   I hope you don't believe the things they've said about me. I hope you don't think I'm stupid. That's very important to me.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   You were wearing a Smiths t-shirt and bootcut jeans with ratty converse. You greeted me kindly and shook my hand. I think I blacked out a little when we touched because after the handshake I can't remember anything until the joke you made about solving for X.  
   How is it possible for one human being to be so unearthly beautiful? I can't get the blue of your eyes out of my head. And your cheekbones. And everything else. Literally everything.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   You set me homework even though it's not class. I love that. You told me to write down four things about myself so we'd have something to talk about apart from equations. I am only shy when I am around you.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   You smell like home. Not the house I grew up in, no. I mean the idea of home. Somewhere warm and safe where you're always welcome no matter what your life choices or your sexual orientation or your future plans or anything.  
   That's what you smell like. But it's more than a smell. It's an aura. Does that make sense?  
   It's funny to me that I think of you as safe when you may be the only tangible thing in the world that I am afraid of.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   You put your hand over my hand today and stopped me rubbing out a correct answer in frustration. The feel of your skin on mine went through me like a lightning bolt. A fucking lightning bolt. Including the whole setting things on fire absolute destruction part.  
   If I were a house I'd be burnt to the ground.  
   To the fucking foundations.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   I had a dream about you last night. It started with you pressed against me in the library, all hands and mouth. It ended with both of us wrapped in a bed sheet and me aching in interesting new places.  
   I lack obvious experience in these types of things but I reckon you'd get the job done proper.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   She rang last night but I never answered… I was otherwise occupied…  
   I wish I'd never done what I did because now I have a better idea of what it might feel like to have you inside me and that kind of knowledge is very fucking dangerous.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   This is starting to become a dirty dream journal and that is so very very very not the point.  
   So I'm going to talk about her for a while. She rang again from France, said she's missing me but it doesn't really sound like it. Lance is there for another few weeks yet. She says he's been round her house for tea and do I mind. It breaks my heart for her that I don't.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   Your leg was pressed against mine during our tutoring session today and I couldn't think even for one second about algebra. You must think I am properly stupid.  
   I could feel the bones of your knee through your pinstripe trousers. Also, while we're on the subject, _pinstripe trousers_? Jesus. You looked about ten feet tall.  
   I watched your hands for the whole session, too, how thin they are and how your knuckles seem too big until you see how incredibly long your fingers are.  
   Tonight I'll switch my phone off first.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   You're going to take me to the animal shelter tomorrow. I told you I love dogs but I'm allergic and you laughed and smiled and said, me, too. So we're going to the animal shelter tomorrow.  
   I'm engaged to a woman. Gwen. One of your best friends, actually. Someone you said felt like a sister the first time you met her. I wanted to say me, too, when you said that but she's going to be my wife someday.  
   I am engaged, so this can't be a date.  
   I just wanted to make sure we're on the same page.  
   I am engaged, so this can't be a date.  
      -A


	3. I Am Sorry I Am Such A Disappointment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You said sunflowers are your favourite because they are so beautiful that they look like an alien species and that made me smile because that's you, too."

Dear M,  
   It would have been an amazing first date. We laughed a lot and no one was nervous. You smiled at me once, with your head dipped, looking at me through your lashes and I stopped breathing.  
   You're so beautiful. The most beautiful thing on the planet. In the world. In the universe. How can you be so beautiful and so talented and so kind all and the same time? There is an uneven distribution of wealth in this world, Merlin, and you won the fucking lottery.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   I want to bring you flowers. I've never bought anyone flowers, not even her. You said sunflowers are your favourite because they are so beautiful that they look like an alien species and that made me smile because that's you, too.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   You told me today you want to become a plastic surgeon and that's why you're trying so hard. You said you don't want to be the implants kind, you want to be the kind who helps burn victims or other people who have been hurt badly and don't want to see the scars any more. You said you want to go to underprivileged areas and operate on babies with cleft palates.  
   I made a joke about the difficulties of being vegan in Africa, but when I got home I cried a little. How can I compete with that?  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   You asked about my changing majors today and I think I made you mad because I said it didn't matter. You asked wasn't there anything I want to do and I said that didn't matter either.  
   You said you had to go then, and left before I got a chance to explain. Nothing I want matters. I didn't want to go to uni at all. I want to be a fighter pilot. I want to join the air force and fly airplanes and help people. But that's never going to happen, so whatever else I want doesn't matter.  
   I wish I could make you understand.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   Classes start next week and you said you were sorry but once a week is really all you can manage for tutoring during term time. I sort of assumed you'd drop it completely, it's not like I'm getting any better at maths. You're too good, though. You won't give up on me.  
   I am sorry I am such a disappointment.  
      -A

* * *

 

M,  
   I called the helpline again today. I don't know if you knew it was me. She's back from France for the new term, but she's never home now, and I think I know why.  
   I don't love her, not like that, so why do I feel rejected?  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   Saw you on the way to the pub tonight and asked if you wanted to come. You said you don't drink and that's fine but then you looked at me like you hated everything about me and said you need all your brain cells. You said it like I'm obviously not using mine. You must have heard the things they say about me and believed them. How stupid they think I am. The media...  
   I thought about walking away and never stopping. Like trying to see the limits of my body, how far I could go before I just stopped. I felt like walking to the sea and then swimming away until I was too tired to swim any more and then just stopping.  
   I will never be able to explain to you how unworthy I am and how much I love you any way.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   You missed our session today but that's expected. I know you're busy. I tried not to let it upset me, but I miss you. I know I don't have a right to, but I do.  
   I sat there in the library for the whole hour imagining if things were different and remembering the way you smiled at me once and how that smile was the whole world and you probably weren't even smiling at me at all.  
      -A

* * *

 

M,  
   You missed another session.  
   I can't even eat.  
   All I think about is one day doing something worthy of you.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   She told me you're upset with me. Asked me what kind of _ARTHUR_ thing I did to you.  
   She's ordered me to apologise.  
   I have no idea what I've done.  
      -A


	4. It Feels Like Lying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Someone must have told you not to say anything. Maybe her. Maybe him. And you would never break their confidence."

Dear M,  
   I saw you earlier walking with Lance. She was there, too, it was just the three of you. You wouldn't meet my eye and now I know why you're angry with me! You know! You know about them and you think I don't know! Someone must have told you not to say anything. Maybe her. Maybe him. And you would never break their confidence.  
   I can't tell you that I know about them. I have a plan, there. There's only one outcome I can survive, politically. Emotionally, maybe. Please be patient with me. I can't let on that I know.  
     -A

* * *

M,  
   I can’t stop thinking about the look you gave me the other night when we were going to the pub. I think the word loathing comes close. You must believe the things they say about me. You must think I'm a complete moron. You must see how obvious they're being and wonder how stupid I would have to be not to notice.  
   Please listen: pretending not to know is the smartest thing I can do.  
   Please listen: I am not half as stupid as they've always said.  
   Please listen: I hope one day you will look back on everything that's happening right now and realise that I knew all along. That they were all wrong about me. That they've always been wrong about me.  
   Please, listen.  
   Please.  
      -A

* * *

M,  
   How little you must think of me if you do know and haven’t told me. Everyone knows she and I are betrothed, and if someone I knew was betrothed to someone who was shagging someone else I’d bloody well tell them about it. Confidences or no.  
   How very little you must think of me.  
      -A

* * *

Dear M,  
   I’m sorry. I’m not mad at you. I was going to scrub out my last diary entry, but my therapist says that’s not the point. Apparently writing my feelings down is a sort of validation even if I change my mind later? Either way, I’m not mad at you.  
      -A

* * *

Dear M,  
   You were very quiet during our session tonight, but at least you were there. I’ve studied hard and I think you were a little impressed by how far ahead I’ve gone in the materials. As though anything I could ever do would impress you. But I can dream.  
   Also, just so we’re clear, I’m not mad. He’s one of your best friends. Your roommate for three years. I’m just someone you tutor. You barely know me. It goes back to integrity, doesn’t it? I can tell it’s really bothering you, though. You look like you haven’t been sleeping well. There are shadows under your eyes and you seem weighed down.  
   I mentioned Lance at one point, just in passing, because he and I are friends, too, and you looked like you were trying to swallow hard around the truth of things.  
   I wish I could tell you that I know. I’ve thought a lot about telling you, in secret. But once I started telling you one thing in secret what else would I say? There are so many things I want to tell you…  
      -A

* * *

Dear M,  
   I think sometimes my entourage intimidates you. They're just security guys. Let them blend into the background, that's what I do. We passed you today and it looked like you wanted to talk to me but you eyed them and walked away. It made me sad, but I couldn't be seen going after you.  
      -A

* * *

Dear M,  
   They're never there in my dreams of you. My security guards, I mean. It's always just us two in the whole world.  
      -A

* * *

Dear M,  
   The Christmas hols were busy as usual. She went to France for most of it. He was there, too. Lance, I mean. Maybe you know this already? It was all over the papers.  
   Our families are in discussion about the arrangements. It's not quite a political disaster, but it's close.  
   Wait until I come out as gay, that'll really fuck them over.  
      -A

* * *

Dear M,  
   It had to be her that left me. It's the only way I'll survive it. I'm sorry if that's wrong but it's the only way. That's why I kept quiet for so long.  
   Even though you and I never talked about them it feels like lying and I want you to forgive me.  
      -A

* * *

Dear M,  
   We're all still friends I hope you know. Nobody's feelings are hurt.  
      -A

* * *

Dear M,  
   I called the helpline again tonight and this time I think you knew it was me. It’s supposed to be confidential, right? But I think you knew it was me.  
   She moved out today. That’s why I called.  
   We never… We didn’t have a physical relationship, I mean. We occupied the same space, but we were never together. I didn’t say that on the phone, but I hinted.  
   We were never together. So why do I feel so alone?  
      -A

* * *

Dear M,  
   You came and sat across from me in the library tonight. I think you were trying to show your support in light of everything that’s happening. Everything that’s in the papers. Really I don’t know why you did it, but you came and sat across from me and your knees touched mine underneath the table. It was barely a touch, but I have myself convinced that it was intentional.  
   I could barely breathe.  
   We couldn't talk because library, and I think you knew not to be obvious because cameras, but you came and sat with me anyway. Even with what everyone is saying. I love that it doesn’t bother you.  
   You came and sat across from me.  
   You make me so happy. I can't explain it. We were only sitting at the same table and I haven't stopped smiling for hours. I want to touch your face. I want to trace those cheekbones with my fingers and my tongue. I want to kiss your ears and your chin and your neck and that bottom lip of yours that I haven't stopped thinking about for years.  
      -A

* * *

Dear M,  
   The engagement is officially off. My life is so fucked up right now and all I can think about is you.  
      -A

* * *

Dear M,  
   I tackled you when we were playing football this afternoon. I was lying on top of you and all I could feel was every inch of you beneath me. In a fit of total insanity I whispered something in your ear. You didn't seem to hear me, but I'm going to wait for you just in case.  
      -A


	5. Your Arms Around Me Felt Like Never Letting Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "We went back to the animal shelter today and I just watched you for an hour.  
> You kept asking what and I kept saying nothing, but it's everything, really, isn't it?"

Dear M,  
   You came to meet me.  
   You laughed because I thought it was secret, my second flat - the one I actually live in as opposed to the one the media thinks I live in. You said you've known since first term when you walked Gwen home from O Chem.  
   I had almost forgotten she ever lived here. I feel terrible, but it's true. She never took up much space in my life.  
   I never took up much in hers, either.  
   You said you were sorry about what happened with Gwen and Lance and was there anything you could do and if I wanted to talk you would listen and you were sorry you hadn't told me but they'd asked you not to and Gwen had cried and said she hadn't meant to hurt me.  
   You had tears in your eyes then and you held onto my arm as if willing me to believe you. So I told you I like someone else anyway and then I blushed but you pretended not to notice.  
   You hugged me when you left and said if there was anything you needed I should call you.  
   Your arms around me felt like _never letting go_ and I slept soundly last night for the first time in years.  
      -A

* * *

 

Dear M,  
   I asked if you would mind moving the tutoring sessions to my flat because with all the cameras everywhere it's just easier. You said sure but could we eat.  
   I ordered everything vegan. When you saw how much food I'd bought in you laughed then made me promise none of it would go to waste. You looked so earnest that as soon as you left I called a local homeless shelter and they picked up all the leftovers. The guy made a joke about homeless people not wanting tofu, but he seemed grateful.  
   I wish I could tell you what I did but that's not the point.  
      -A

* * *

Dear M,  
   I called the helpline. I disguised my voice, like I've been taught since I was a child. I don't imagine my own family would have known it was me.  
   You said if I thought I was in love with someone I should tell them. I said they hardly know me. You said, _then don't start with love. Start with coffee. Or flowers. Flowers are safe._  
     I bought about a hundred sunflowers. Once you see them you'll know it was me. You'll know everything, probably. But I don't care.  
   All I can imagine is the look on your face when you see them.  
      -A

* * *

Dear Merlin,  
   Your lips are softer than I thought they would be. I thought I was going to spontaneously combust. I didn't ever want to stop _kissing you kissing you kissing you._  
   You said it's ok that I've never done this with a man before and we can go as slow as I please. Your eyes went far away when I told you that like you couldn't believe you were so lucky I chose you.  
   I'm the lucky one, Merlin.  
   I'm the lucky one.  
      -A

* * *

M,  
   I can still see the yellow flowers reflected in your wide eyes and the smile that spread across your face like sunrise.  
      -A

* * *

Dear M,  
   If I thought having the secret of Gwen shagging Lance was going to kill me I was sorely mistaken. I have a bigger secret now. -- _Prince Arthur is in love with a MAN. Prince in Gay Scandal. If it weren't for his big sister there'd be a succession crisis the like of which the country has never seen. Blah blah blah._ \-- A million headlines from my nightmares.  
   But none of that matters, because at the library tonight you sat beside me and, under the cover of leaning in closer to your book, you took my hand in yours and squeezed it once, tightly.  
   I don't really know what to do because my secrets have never made me happy before, Merlin.  
      -A

* * *

Dear M,  
   We all went for a meal tonight. Gwen and Lance and you and I. You and I pretended to just be close friends, but there was a light in Gwen's eyes and when she kissed my cheek at the end of the night she said how nice it is to finally see me happy in myself.  
   So I'm guessing she knew all along. One day I suppose we'll have to talk about it.  
      -A

* * *

Dear M,  
   You stayed here studying until after midnight. I just watched you. I've never met anyone as focused as you are and it awes me. It was raining very hard when you went to leave and I said should you maybe just stay?  
   You thought about it and said the only way you'd get any sleep at all was if we weren't sharing a bed, and you blushed like you have a secret you can't wait to tell me. I kissed you around the lightness in my chest but I'm scared so I agreed.  
   You're asleep on the sofa and I can hear you breathing and everything I've ever wanted is there in those deep, restful breaths and I smiled because even if we never get closer than this it will always be enough.  
      -A

* * *

Dear M ,  
   I'm sorry I missed our tutoring session today, but I went home to visit Dear old Dad. You probably know him as the King. Anyway I didn't mention any names but I asked what would the protocol be, say, if I were to announce publicly that I am, indeed, a homosexual.  
   He said he didn't care who I shagged or when so long as I got their permission first and married them before any offspring arrive. Apparently he just wants me to be happy?  
   Turns out he's not as bad as I thought.  
      -A

* * *

Dear M,  
   We went back to the animal shelter today and I just watched you for an hour wondering what I've possibly done to deserve someone as amazing as you.  
   You kept asking _what_ and I kept saying _nothing_ , but it's everything, really, isn't it?  
      -A

* * *

M,  
   That thing you did with your hands and our… together with the… well, that. Don't be surprised if I make today into a national holiday in future.  
      -A

* * *

Dear M,  
   I don't know why I'm still writing in this thing. I'm not miserable now. I've packed it in with the therapy. Who knew that Be Yourself was actually practical advice?  
      -A

* * *

Dear M,  
   My father asked at dinner last night were you the reason I'm finally smiling and you stared at me and said _I hope so_ and I wanted to kiss you there in front of everyone.  
   My sister hugged you goodbye and kissed your cheek and whispered something in your ear that made you look away, embarrassed. I wanted to know what she said and I almost asked you but in the car you started kissing me and didn't stop.  
   You stayed the night, in my bed, and it was three in the morning before I even closed my eyes. I was afraid you'd be gone in the morning but you stayed and brought me coffee and we kissed and you were late for your first class but you were smiling.  
   I've decided we should have dinner with my family more often.  
      -A

* * *

Dear M,  
   I haven't written in this for months. Summer has gone and you're starting your final year of Uni (well, until med school). I can’t remember ever being this happy in my entire life.  
   I can't tell if you're glad or worried that our relationship is still a secret. I figured I'd let you finish your studies before flipping your entire life upside down. But I think you may think I'm embarrassed or worried what folk might think.  
   Just so we're clear: You are the best thing that has ever happened to me.  
   You are my first thought in any decisions I make.  
   A million years with you and I'd still want more.  
      -A

* * *

M,  
   It's Saturday and you woke up early. You said you had to get ready because you had interviews and I said they weren't until afternoon but you smiled a slow smile and took my hand.  
   You let me wash your hair. Afterwards you let me shave you. You stood there in my bathroom with your head tilted back while I ran a razor over your jawline and neck. You weren't even nervous. I was, but I don't know why.  
   I could trace the lines of you in the dark.  
      -A

* * *

M,  
   Your hands on me sometimes make me feel like I'm the most important thing in the universe.  
   I've never felt so much like I mattered before and I don't know how to thank you.  
      -A

* * *

M,  
   I think I'm ready.  
   I mean I’m still nervous, but I think I might be ready.  
      -A

* * *

M,  
   Holy fuck was I ever not ready for that. Jesus. I'm going to grant you a fucking knighthood. No, you know what, that's not enough. Fancy a proper Royal Title? What about Prince Consort? Oh, god. If I knew having you shag me into the fucking mattress was going to feel so fucking good I'd have started doing it fucking ages ago.  
      -A

* * *

M,  
   You keep telling me our secrets aren't going to last for long if I insist on shouting your name so loudly but I can't help it.  
      -A

* * *

M,  
   You've asked me to stop proposing to you during sex because you can't tell if I'm being serious.  
   The thing is, neither can I.  
      -A

* * *

Dear M,  
   Your Mum came for dinner tonight and you make so much more sense to me now. She's the most wonderful woman I’ve ever met. Before she left she took me aside and thanked me for turning the light on inside you and I said since we met your light has been the brightest thing in my sky and she laughed but it was also crying and we hugged.  
      -A

* * *

Dear M,  
   Your acceptance letter from med school came today and you brought it over so I would be with you when you opened it.  
   You were shaking you were so nervous but you got in, obviously. You kissed me and called your Mum and cried and then you said, in a small voice, was I ok with you leaving.  
   I said I don't think we should be apart and you almost got upset but then I showed you the application I filled out. RAF officer training. It's only thirty miles from your school. I also signed up for flying lessons.  
   Somehow with you in my life those things I really wanted don't seem so impossible anymore.  
      -A

* * *

Dear M,  
   When I came home from my first day of Officer Training you’d bought me flowers. Well, just one flower. A single daffodil. Where on Earth you got a daffodil in August I’ll never know. But it doesn’t matter because you remembered. We only talked about this once, in passing, more than two years ago before we even started seeing each other, and you remembered.  
   I will never be able to show you how much I love you, but I will try to, every day.  
      -A

* * *

Dear M,  
   So, we're out now. Sorry about that. I hope they haven't interrupted your med school studies too much.  
   I'm sorry I keep laughing, but all I can think when I read those trashy tabloid headlines - _Prince Arthur likes it up the arse!_ \- All I can do is look at you and think they're all just bloody jealous.  
      -A

* * *

Dear M,  
   This morning I asked you to marry me. Over breakfast. You looked at me for a long time and said you'd think about it. That you still want to be who you are, first, and who we are second. That you keep waiting to wake up from the dream you're obviously having. That you still, after all this time, find it difficult to believe that I fancy you.  
   I decided the only thing for it is to let you read these. So, here you go.  
      -A

* * *

_My dear, dear Arthur,_  
_I haven't read your journals._  
_I don’t need written proof of your feelings. Everything you do every day is proof to me. I hope you don’t ever doubt how I feel about you. I love you. You are imperfect and, often, lost, but you’re also the most human person I’ve ever met. Your happiness is everything to me, and if you let me I will try to be worthy of you every single day._  
_With love,_  
_Your Merlin_

* * *

M,  
   You brought my journals back today, but you said you hadn’t read them.  
   You said I was fragile sometimes like glass which has been broken and inexpertly mended and you want to be the one who mends me if I ever break again.  
   You said if I still wanted you could we get married, please.  
   I said yes.  
      -A

**Fin.**


End file.
